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Friday, June 16, 2017


By Gerrard
Associate Writer For Humor News Nuts

Just down the street from my ma’s house lives this guy I went to school with. His name is Von Frogface. I don’t remember his real name since we started calling him Von Frogface in the second grade when his head flattened out like a frog. There wasn’t any accident or anything like that. He just looks like his old man. Anyway, the other day Von Frogface hunted me down and insisted that I come by his place and help him get rid of this dog. I said “Can’t you call a dog catcher?”

“No”, he replied. “It’s a dead hound dog and I need you to help me exorcise its ghost. I heard that you were one of those ghost scene adventurers. I figured you’d know what to do. You were always the smartest kid I knew in school. You learned how to read and write while you were still in elementary school. That makes you some kind of genius. You got to help me!”

“Alright,” I said, “Tell me about the haunting.”

Von Frogface stood there thinking for several moments. You could always tell when he was thinking because his big olive green eyes would begin to go around and around in his head. Both eyes would spin counterclockwise like he was rewinding a video tape.

Von Frogface began by telling me that there was a cement memorial marker for a dog named Dukey which was dated October 31, 1927. Von did not know if that was the date of death or birth date of the animal. A few weeks ago Von noticed that dirt infront of the stone had been dug up and that there was a large hole left behind. Von did not see anything in the whole so he filled it in so he could run his lawn mower over it. The grass in his yard was getting long and needed to be cut.

Von said that later that evening while he was lying in his bed, a hideous howling came from his yard. Von looked out to see if his cocker spaniel dog named Mimi was having a problem. The dog was tied up to its dog coop and was inside of it. Von decided to go down to check out Mimi and found the poor dog trembling inside the dog house. Mimi was unwilling to come out even when Von called to the shaking creature. Then, Von heard a vicious growl from behind him so Von turned around and was confronted by a large black hound with long fangs and eyes as red as cinders in a wood stove. As the dog panted clouds of smoke would burst out of his mouth with every breath.

Von backed up slowly away from the hound until he reached the screen door on the back porch. Von slowly opened the door and moved inside and locked the door behind him. Von continued backing up until he reached the door that led from the porch into the kitchen. Just as Von opened that door and proceeded inside the great black monster hound plunged through the screen door and made a dash for Von. Von made it into the kitchen and heard the hell hound clawing at the door just as the door slammed shut. Von trembled in fear and was wet with sweat as he listened to the claws on the other side of the door slowly ripping the wood away. Von thought for sure he was going to die. Then, suddenly the clawing stopped but, not before Von had dashed upstairs to his bedroom and hid himself under his blankets.

The next day Von found much of his kitchen door had been ripped to pieces. Poor Mimi was still trembling inside her dog house. There was no sign of the large black hound with the fiery eyes and demonic disposition. Every night since that night the monster hound revisited Vons’s backyard scarring both Von and his little dog Mimi. Finally, VonFrogface could no longer take the harassment of the supernatural beast. That’s when Von decided to call upon the Ghost Scene Investigators of Traverse City Michigan.

Von and I met at his house just before sundown. The house was located just across the highway from Lake Michigan. There was a nice view of Grand Traverse Bay from Vons’s front yard and you could also see Lake Michigan from Vons’s backyard patio. I made arrangements for a Priest named Father Murphy Brown, to show up just as the sun was going down. Von and I went to school with Father Brown. His mom was a fan of Candice Bergen so she named her son Murphy Brown after the comedy show of the same name.

Father Murphy Brown did not really believe that Von had a demon dog chasing around his neighborhood but, Father Brown agreed he would bless the home and bring along some holy water to help protect us from the demon. After the home was blessed, Father Brown, Von and I sat down in white resin chairs in Vons’s backyard. Von had a fire going in the metal outdoor fireplace. Von provided Father Brown and me with marshmallows and long metal forks to roast the marshmallows. After our marshmallows were roasted Von gave us each a Hershey chocolate bar and two gram crackers each so we could make s’mores.

The s’mores were very good. Von was getting ready to go get some milk to wash down the s’mores when suddenly, an icy wind blew off of Lake Michigan and the fire completely died out. Then a black, growling dog with fiery red eyes appeared directly behind the fire pit. He was so close you could smell the sulfur on his breath. The evil hound was too close for all of us to get away but, since Father Brown was the closest to the hound and I was the furthest away, I decided to take and chance the hound would not catch any of us so I made a dash for the backdoor. I and Von made it through the back door and into the house unscathed by our boyhood buddy, Father Brown did not fair as well.
It seems that as Father Brown jumped up to run into the house behind us the hound nailed the Priest on the backside. The only thing that saved Father Brown was that in the back pocket of his trousers he had a vile of holy water and when the hound from hell bit down on the Fathers’ backside the vile broke open and scorched the mouth of the evil dog which sent the thing yowling and running away. Father Brown suffered nothing more than a ripped pair of trousers. He was a little peeved that Von and I choose to run away and leave him to the jaws of the devil beast. “You guys haven’t changed at all since we were kids. You left me to face that devil dog just like you ran off and left me to fend for myself against Mrs. Reads’ Doberman when we were twelve years old. I ended up with 8 stitches and a scar for life from that incident. Thanks for the s’mores but, I don’t think I’ll be back. You guys can handle this devil dog by yourselves.” Then Father Brown went home.

Von and I were laughing over the Doberman incident as Father Brown drove away. We also got a laugh remembering the day we took the chain off his bicycle and the time we peanut buttered the pages of his algebra book together. Those were great times. It was a good thing that little brownie grew up to be a priest and not a disgruntled postal worker.

The next evening it was just up to Von and me to face down Spooky Dukey. That was the nickname everyone in the neighborhood was now calling the demon dog from Hades. Personally, I thought that “Spooky Dukey” was a silly name from which you could not correctly infer the seriousness of the situation. This was a resurrected demon dog looking for revenge. Of course while Von, Father Brown and I were putting our lives on the line the people in the neighborhood were watching out their windows from the safety of their homes. What was deadly serious to our team of investigators appeared comedic to the neighbors. Undoubtedly, the neighbors roared with laughter when they saw our party attacked and the bottom ripped out of poor Father Browns’ britches. Well, I was tired of being a laughing stock while being chased down by a demon dog. I told Von we had to bring the investigation to a conclusion and get that toothy beastie back into the grave.
“We are going to get rid of Spooky Dukey tonight,” I told Von. “Tonight the dead shall no longer walk amongst us. We just need to figure out what to do. Von, go over with me again the story of what happened that got Spooky Dukey so riled up that he came back to life as a demon? ” Make sure that you don’t leave out any details.

“Well,” began Von, “It all started when I noticed that someone had dug up Dukeys’ grave. The demon started running around the neighborhood and was chasing after me. I finally went and got you to help get rid of the monster.”

Suddenly, everything became clear to me. I told Von that “all we have to do is find the bones of old Dukey and burry them back into his grave. The spirit should then rest in peace or, in heaven or, hell I really don’t care as long as the demon is gone.” I had Von dig a hole in the grave where the original hole had been. I then noticed that Vons’s dog Mimi was chewing on something. Upon a closer look I found that the little dog was gnawing on a large bone. “Von, did you give your dog a bone to much on tonight?” I asked.

“No, I never give Mimi any bones since she almost choked on one a couple of years ago. Some stupid neighbor must have tossed Mimi a bone.”

I knelt down and looked inside of Mimi’s’ coop and there was a whole pile of bones in there, including the skull of a dog. “I think I found the remains of Spooky Dukey,” I said. “Mimi must have dug them all up and squirreled them away in her dog coop. We need to bury these bones and bury them fast. The sun has gone down and an icy wind just blew in from Lake Michigan again. Spooky Dukey is on his way”

Sure enough, as I looked up from the dog coop I saw about two blocks away, the dark dog with the red eyes running at full speed up the road and straight for us. I grabbed up all the bones in the coop and threw them in the open grave of Spooky Dukey. I then had to fight with Mimi for the last bone. I finally pulled the bone free from the snarling Mimi and she bit me hard on the ankle. I shook the little dog off and tossed the remaining bone in the grave. I looked back and saw that Spooky Dukey had his jaws wide open with his huge fangs dripping with saliva, his dead soul starving for our flesh. Just as the demonic creature leaped in the air for my trembling body Von threw a shovel of dirt on top of the bones and the vicious hell hound disappeared in mid air. I was still cringing when I realized that I was safe. My mangled flesh and bones were not being ripped apart by the resurrected dog demon named Spooky Dukey.

The next day we finished filling in the grave using concrete so that neither Mimi nor anyone else could disturb the bones of poor Dukey. Von Frogface thanked me for all my help and asked me how he could repay me. I told him he could start by giving me that glass milk I never got and maybe he could get me a couple more of those delicious s’mores.

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